Too Much Commotion and a Lot of Courage

Paige, the youngest of our four children, was the only one we planned.  When I realized how overwhelmed I was raising three babies born in three I years, I changed my mind and unplanned a fourth.  But it was too late.  Paige was already on the way.

a couple weeks old

From the time Paige was born we knew she was an extra special girl.  A different personality from three older siblings, Paige has always been mellow, easy-going, happy and content.  As a newborn she often took four hour naps and woke up cooing and smiling.  

nine months old

In the chaos of raising three very busy and very opinionated toddlers and preschoolers, Paige was a breath of fresh air.  She reminded me WHY I love being a mom.  Peace-making and peace-loving, Paige was naughty so infrequently that we would laugh if she tried to throw a tantrum.  After one attempt at naughtiness I posted on Facebook, "It only took Paige 3 1/2 years to prove to us that she isn't completely angelic."

First class Paigey took for herself - Intro to Dance with Miss Cheryl

Paige is eager to please and much more timid than her boisterous, loud, and somewhat crazy older siblings.  New circumstances, new faces or new anything tend to intimidate and overwhelm her.  She does NOT like to be the center of attention, but is really witty, clever, and fun in situations where she feels comfortable.

Paige is now in second grade and her adorable personality emerges more with each year.  A little bit of a perfectionist, she likes do to things in a certain order and follow directions to a T.  She takes school very seriously.  She was selected to be Mrs. Clause in a Readers Theater that her second grade class was presenting to the parents on the last day of school before Christmas break.  Paige was really excited about being chosen to read the main part but anxious about being the center of attention.  

2nd grade

There was confusion surrounding the dates and times of the presentation that Paige was in.  Paige REALLY wanted me to be there and I didn't want to miss it.  At Paige's direction, I emailed her teacher to confirm that I had the date and time entered correctly in my calendar.  In the chaos of a very busy week I read the teacher's response incorrectly and went into the day of the presentation with the wrong time in my calendar.

She got all dressed up and we curled her hair.

Paige doesn't like to be rushed or hurried and gets nervous if we're late for things.  Knowing this, I left my house with enough time to arrive at school and be in Paige's classroom fifteen minutes before the show.  I didn't want to add any extra anxiety to her already revved up nerves.  

I walked confidently into her classroom.  Then stopped dead in my tracks and my heart sank.  The presentation was just wrapping up.  I got to hear Paige read one line.  She gave me a weak smile and immediately I started blinking rapidly in a feeble attempt to hold back the rush of tears.

the line I saw her read.

Paige and I went in the hall after the show.  I held my girl and cried.  Told her how I had been looking forward to it all day, praying for her, and how excited I was to see her shine.  She said, "Mom, I knew when I saw the time that we had it wrong in your calendar and that you wouldn't be there.  It's okay.  But can you stop crying?  It's making me feel like I want to cry too."

We hugged it out in the hallway then went inside for her class party.  I still couldn't pull it together so one of my friends scraped up the pieces of my battered heart, held my hand and whispered, "It's okay."  Talk about an epic fail.  

I was overly emotional the rest of the afternoon - fighting back tears every time I thought about letting my baby girl down.  But I got to join her for her class party.  I treasured every minute of making a snowman craft with her, then headed to the gym for the All School Holiday Sing-a-Long.  

class party and snowman craft

After school Paige and Alli and two of their buddies were signed up to do the Holiday Dance Camp.  All four girls were really excited to learn a dance routine that they would perform at halftime of the high school basketball game.  Until we got to the check-in line.  

I noticed that Paige had gone from excitement to apprehension in a matter of minutes.  I had to shove her toward her snack table with her friends.  A check in my spirit told me to not rush out the door and hang around a bit.  I'm so glad because moments later my Baby disintegrated in my arms.

Silent, shoulder heaving sobs wracked my baby girl's body.  Between gulps she told me, "It's too much commotion.  I can't start my Christmas break off with all this commotion.  I just want to go home."

So we did.  To regroup and pick up Big Brother and Big Sister.  Then back to Dance Camp, but only to watch.  It's all Paige could commit to.

Once we were there, she felt good enough to eat dinner with her buddies and even do two practice rounds.  When she took her shoes and socks off and started smiling, I thought we had overcome the dread.  But the chaos overwhelmed my girl and she was crying in my arms again.  "Take me home Mommy.  I don't want to dance."

So we went home.  Me, my Baby Girl, and my Big Kids.  We were all exhausted and emotional.  There was wisdom in Paige's desire to start our Christmas break with calm instead of commotion.  We crashed on the couch and snuggled - therapy for our tattered emotions.

When Curt got home from work we headed to the high school.  Again.  To watch Alli and her buddies dance during half time.  We got there early and as we stood around in the lobby waiting, I watched Paige's demeanor change again.  She took a couple deep breaths, blowing out deliberately slow and loud.  She squared her shoulders and announced, "Mom,  I changed my decision.  I think I want to dance after all."

Off we ran to the practice area.  The kids were still rehearsing and Paige's friends embraced her with the best-ever-second-grade-hugs and told her how happy they were that she changed her mind.  I waved goodbye and joined our dwindling family in the stands.

performance in the cafeteria

Halftime came and the hoard of kids flooded the gym floor for the cutest half time performance you have ever seen.  Alli and her friends in one section, comfortable with the spotlight and hamming it up.  Paige and her buddies, much more timid and clearly thinking through the moves, but dancing in front of a big crowd during halftime of a basketball game.The kids performed the dance twice more in the cafeteria so parents could get good video of their kiddos.

After the performance, Paige was beaming.  She gave me the biggest hug and said, "Mom, that took a lot of courage, but I'm glad I changed my decision."

I've been replaying the events of that day in my mind for the past several days. It's been a long, hard year for our family.  Some beautiful times, but some dark, hard times too.  I think we're all a little exhausted.  And really thankful that we've moved through the valley into a more relaxing, spacious place.  

Paige got it right when she rejected commotion and fought for calm.  And chose courage in the face of fear.  We could all learn from her.  

Thank you Baby Girl for setting the precedent for what has been a magical Christmas break thus far.  Mommy loves you!

And His Mother Treasured All These Things in Her Heart...

Christmas is my favorite time of year.  I love everything about it, especially celebrating Jesus's birth.  This year the miracle of God coming to earth as a helpless baby is so fresh to me.  I've been reading and re-reading the stories in Luke chapter 1 and 2 about Zechariah and Elizabeth, and Mary and Joseph finding out they were going to be parents and experiencing pregnancy together.  I've read with fresh vision their birth stories, naming their sons, and how their friends rejoiced over both boys' birth.

I remember so clearly my first pregnancy.  The overwhelming joy that washed over us when we found out we were going to be parents.  Savoring every aspect of pregnancy and life within my womb.  It was all so new.  So miraculous.

I REALLY wanted a daughter.  During my first pregnancy, I silently worried if I would be disappointed if the baby I carried was a boy.  I never said it out loud - not even to Curt - but it nagged in the back of my mind.  "I really want a daughter.  What would I do with a boy?  Please Jesus - help me to not be disappointed if it's a boy."

Then labor came.  Fast, furious, and WAY too early.  We were too naive' to know just how dangerous it was to be birthing a baby six weeks early.  A team of doctors and nurses filled the delivery room and peppered us with questions.  Shocked that we chose to not know the baby's gender, they cautioned that we should hope it wasn't a boy.  "Premature girls do much better than premature boys.  You can always hope it's a girl."  Even the doctors were rooting for a girl.

We prayed and I labored.  Then that beautiful, miraculous moment came - when the life within me breathed air for the first time.  The doctor held up a tiny little baby.  He screamed and peed all over her as she joyfully declared, "It's a boy."

I held my first-born son and wept.  And wept.  And wept.  How could I ever have thought I would be disappointed with this Super Preemie?  He was perfect.

The year of Grant's first Christmas I cried a lot.  I looked at my handsome boy in his button down shirts, cardigan sweaters, and lavender scented hair and bawled my eyes out at the thought of Jesus' crude birth.

How did a teenage Mary give birth without medical intervention?  In a dirty barn?  Was she scared?  How did she deal with labor pains?  Who would turn away a woman in labor? How did they clean Jesus up after he was born?  Did they have clothes for him or clean blankets?  How much did he weigh and how long was he?  What time was he born?  Did he have a little cone head and squished in face from labor or was he actually cute when he was born?  Did he sleep through the night?  Did Mary have postpartum depression?

This Christmas I'm emotional and pondering again.  My Super Preemie is now a Man Child.  Eating us out of house and home, growing out of everything he owns, and honing his God-given talents and skills.  Crazy fun, impulsive, loud and sometimes obnoxious, he's our only son.  The lone boy in a sea of sisters.  Who would have thought?

The end of Luke chapter two tell the only Kid Story about Jesus.  Jesus was twelve years old - like my boy.  He went on a road trip with his family and friends to Jerusalem.  But when they loaded up the caravan to go home, Jesus missed his ride.  Mary and Joseph were so busy packing up and taking care of Jesus' little brothers and sisters that they somehow missed the fact that he wasn't with them or their friends.

When Mary and Joseph realized Jesus was missing they made a mad dash back to Jerusalem to search for their boy.  THREE DAYS they searched before they found him.  I can't begin to imagine the depth of their panic.  Their fear.  Their Man Child was alone in a big city.  When they finally found him they let him have it then took him home.  I'm sure Mary hovered over him the entire journey home.

Last week we lost Grant briefly.  For all of five minutes.  He wasn't where we thought he was going to be.  It was dark.  And cold.  And we freaked out.  When we found him, we laid into him about communicating when the plans changed. "Dig that phone out of your pocket and let us know where you are for crying out loud!"  And then we hovered.  Hugged and kissed and hugged and thanked God that he was safe.  And warned him to never scare us like that again.  Then made him hug us some more.  Our Man Child.  Home safe and sound.

I wonder what went through Mary's mind when Jesus was missing.  Is he safe?  Is he cold?  Hungry? Alive or dead? I bet she prepared some pretty good "don't you ever scare me like that again" speeches.  I wonder if she even gave him any of those lectures?  Or if she just held her muscly Man Child tightly in her arms, buried her face in his dirty hair, and breathed in the smell of teenage boy.

The Kid Story in Luke ends by saying Jesus went home with his parents and was obedient to them.  "And he grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men."

Our Man Child is definitely growing in stature.  It seems like every day he looks a little less like a boy and a little more like a man.  We almost see eye to eye now and I've started borrowing his flannel shirts.  Growing in stature...

But he's also growing in wisdom.  Last night he told us that his science teacher is teaching evolution.  Our boy doesn't like it because he worships the Mighty Creator.  He's wrestling with how to answer the questions on his homework and on his tests.  If he writes what the teacher expects he feels like he's lying.  He wants a platform to speak the truth in a respectful way.  Growing in wisdom...

My prayer for my Man Child is that he will continue to grow in favor with God and with men.  That as he morphs from child into man, that the favor he seeks with God will expand to favor with those around him.  I pray I will have the courage to let him become the man God intends for him to be - a man who will help shape and change the world.

Luke says Mary "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."  As a mother of a Man Child like Mary, I'm collecting treasures too.

In The Water - Finding Courage in Times of Trouble

On Sunday I finished an olympic distance triathlon.  But I almost quit 100 yards into the swim because terror gripped me in a way that is hard to describe.  Out of nowhere.  Completely irrational.  Paralyzing panic.

Terror screamed, "GET OUT OF THE WATER NOW!" 

Wanna know the crazy part?  I was in no danger. I have covered a mile in the pool at least a dozen times pre-race.  Carissa was swimming inches away from me.  My husband and friend were standing on a pier a few feet away. A rescue boat was shadowing us as we swam around the lake.  I had several outlets available to help me in peril.  

In spite of this, I felt engulfed in a raging storm, suffocating under the weight of the terror. 

(Click here to watch a video of what fear looks like for me.)

Before the swim started YAHWEH, the God of the Israelites, brought to mind a verse from Isaiah 43.  

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."

"When."  Not "if."  Storms will come.  But YAHWEH is with me.

A few hours after the triathlon, we went to church.  (To read more about the triathlon, click here.) Our pastor was preaching from a text at the end of Mark chapter 6.  Jesus comes to his  "terrified" followers in the middle of a raging storm on a lake.   

Hmmm....  I know nothing about being in the water and being terrified.

He says,  

"Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid."

Then gets in the boat WITH them and calms their storm.

In the morning YAHWEH.  In the evening Jesus.  Same God.  Same message.  

"Do not be afraid.  I am with you."

It makes me cry to think that my God cares enough to be with me in the water - literally and figuratively.  In the water and once I was safely on shore, the message was the same. 

 You are not alone.  I am with you.  Take courage.   

You may be "in the water" right now.  Terror surrounds you.  Hope seems lost.  

Take courage.  Do not be afraid.  Jesus is with you in the water.

Jesus offers courage to not give up.  Freedom from fear.  And victory once your feet are safely on the sandy shore.  

(Click here to watch a video of what victory looks like for me.)

To Him be the glory forever and ever.  Amen.

Silver Star Mountain via Ed's Trail

This week our family went on an epic, memory-making adventure to Silver Star Mountain.  Hiking books are like real estate listings.  If you read enough of them, you start to pick up on The Code: fancy wording that covers up potential pitfalls.  When I was scoping for a hike, Silver Star Mountain via Ed's Trail really caught my eye.  It sounded incredible, but The Code signified that this would not be a hike I could take the kids on by myself.  We would need Curt's Man Power to get us there and back safely.  We also would need to have the "obey or you could die" talk with the kids.

Let me give you a few examples.

1.  The Road to the Trailhead

      ***  Hiking Books say:  "The road to the trailhead became so degraded that a high clearance vehicle is required," and "The trailhead is at the end of this narrow, bumpy road."

     ***  Translation:  "This death-defying, single lane trail through the woods masquerades as a two-lane, Forest Service road.  Be prepared for car-swallowing pot holes, steep inclines,  a ton of white knuckle, handle grabbing, and desperate prayers for safety."  

a wider section of the road on the way back 

I may be exaggerating slightly, but not much.  The junctions between Forest Service roads are marked with spray paint on trees.  The few times we passed cars coming the other direction, we had to fold our mirrors in and back down the steep terrain to find an opening wide enough for two cars to squeeze by each other.  It took us one full hour to travel nine miles to the trailhead on this road.  By the time we arrived Curt and I had some gray hairs and the girls had a collection of leaves they'd pulled off the tree branches that smacked their faces through the window.  The road to the trailhead is a huge deterrent for us ever going back.

2.  The Safety of the Trail

     ***  Hiking books say:  "There is a short steep section on Ed's Trail that requires a bit of scrambling where a slip could be very dangerous.  Avoid this route when wet or icy," and "The trail takes off up the ridge face, becoming nearly a climb in spots as you scramble up through the rocks to a view of two-humped Silver Star up ahead.  Dramatic, huh?"

    *** Translation:  "Ed's Trail is a narrow, single file path that traverses the ridge top of  a mountain with relatively steep drop offs into gorgeous mountain meadows the entire way.  If that didn't make you nervous, the hand over foot climb up the ridge face will make you appreciate your safety when you reach the top."

Ed's Trail approaching the ridge we hiked along

my family hiking

climbing up the steep scramble

I wasn't exaggerating on the width of the trail or the scramble portion of the hike.  There were definitely a few elements of this hike where a mis-step could cause serious injury.  However...

This hike was I N C R E D I B L E!!!!!!!!!  It seriously felt like we were on an adventure that people would pay thousands of dollars to achieve.  

The kids were less than thrilled with the idea of a hike as our Sabbath.  The hike starts off with a little bit of a steep incline and we definitely fielded some initial whining.  But once we started on Ed's Trail, the beauty, vastness, and awesomeness (now I'm making up words) overwhelmed even the grouchiest child.  No one could believe that we were traversing the top of a mountain ridge on a narrow footpath.  All whining stopped as we were filled with wonder that such a place really existed.

the start of Ed's Trail was just up from this viewpoint

look at the cloud casting a shadow on the mountain

there were some big mountain peaks hiding in the clouds behind the kids and Curt.  

The trail was seldom smooth so we alternated between carefully choosing each step and taking time to take in the views from 360 degrees.  Most of the Washington peaks (St. Helens and Rainer) were hiding in clouds, but Mt. Hood was illuminated in a celestial glow the entire time we were hiking.  It was crazy beautiful!

Katie and Curt are standing on the trail here even though it looks like they're about to vanish into thin air.

Mt. Hood shining through the clouds

We hiked through a natural rock arch and took a resting break in a little cave just past the arch.  The scramble up the rock face, while dangerous, was actually really fun.  Even Paige thought it was cool.

the rock arch

A cloud bank rolled in while we were hiking.  By the time we reached what was supposed to be the most awe-inspiring view of the hike we were socked in by the clouds.  The temperature dropped at least ten degrees and we could feel the damp moisture of the clouds on our exposed skin.  Talk about a surreal experience!

we had just walked through those clouds in the background

here's where the sun was trying to come out

sisters - I love this photo

We looped back on the other side of the ridge, using the wider and safer old Jeep trail to take us back to our car.  The sun tried hard to burn off the clouds and we enjoyed the show:  clouds swirling and dancing, sunlight peeking through then completely disappearing.  Wild flowers of all shapes, sizes and colors consumed the meadows and even the craggy rock faces.

Mt. Hood played peek-a-boo with us the entire hike

flowers, vast mountains, and a big bank of clouds

beauty

My only regret was not having time to meander.  We didn't plan for the last nine miles of driving to take an hour so we arrived at the trailhead at 5 p.m.  The hiking books give this hike a three hour average time allotment which meant we had no time to waste if we wanted to hike and get back off that hideous road before darkness fell. 

I would love to come back and do Ed's Trail again on a day when all the mountains are out to play.  I'm just not sure we want to tackle that road again.  This may be our one and only trip to Silver Star Mountain.  Thank you Jesus that it was an awesome adventure.